भर्खरै मात्र नेपाली नायिकाको आपत्तिजनक अवस्थाको १२ मिनेट लामो भिडियो सार्बजनिक(भिडियो सहित)
भर्खरै मात्र नेपाली नायिकाको आपत्तिजनक अवस्थाको १२ मिनेट लामो भिडियो सार्बजनिक(भिडियो सहित)
चरम सुख कसरी थाहा पाउने ?
कतिपय व्यक्तिले पुरुषले मात्र यौन चरम सुख प्राप्त गर्ने गर्छन् भन्ने ठान्छन् तर महिलाले पनि पुरुषले जस्तै यौन चरम सुख पाउँछन् । मानव यौनप्रतिक्रिया चक्र (Sexual Response Cycle) का चारवटा चरणहरु हुन्छन् । ती हुन्- एक्साइटमेन्ट फेज (Excitement Phase), प्लाटो फेज (Plateau Phase), अर्गाजम फेज (Orgasm Phase) र रिजोलुसन फेज (Resolution Phase)। समग्रमा उस्तै नै हुने भए पनि पुरुष तथा महिलाको यौनप्रतिक्रियाचक्रमा केही फरक भने हुन्छ ।
पहिलो एक्साइटमेन्ट फेज -उत्तेजनाको चरण) लाई निरन्तरता दिएमा व्यक्ति दोस्रो चरण -प्लाटो फेज) मा पुग्छ । यो चरणमा यौनउत्तेजनाको मात्रा अझै बढ्छ । यो कसैमा थोरै बेरको हुन्छ भने कसैमा अलि लामै पनि हुन सक्छ । महिलाहरूमा योनिद्वार अझै खुल्ने तथा यसवरिपरिको भाग फुलेर आउने अर्थात् ठूलो भएर आउने हुन्छ । योनिद्वारवरिपरिको भाग यसरी बढ्ने भएकोले भगांकुर अलि भित्र दबेको जस्तो देखिन्छ । स्तनपान नगराएका महिलामा स्तनको आकार बढेको तुलनात्मकरुपमा स्पष्ट देखिन्छ । आधाभन्दा बढीजसो महिलामा अनुहार र शरीरको छाला रातो (Sex Flush) हुन्छ । पुरुषले जस्तै यस चरणमा महिलाले पनि आन्तरिक न्यानोपन तथा दबाबको महसुस गर्छन् । मांसपेशीहरुमा तनाव पैदा हुन्छ, मुटु तथा श्वास-प्रश्वासको गति एकदम तीव्र हुन्छ तथा रक्तचाप बढ्छ ।
प्लेटो फेजमा भएको यौन स्टिमुलेसन (Stimulation) निरन्तररुपमा भएमा चरम सुखको चरण -अर्गाजम फेज) मा पुगिन्छ । यो चरणमा बढ्दै गएको यौनतनावको उन्मोचन (discharge) हुन्छ । यसको अवधि निकै छोटो हुने भए पनि मानव यौनजीवनमा यस चरणको विशेष महत्त्व छ । यस चरणमा मांसपेशीहरुमा निकै तनाव आउँछ र खुम्चिने तथा खुल्ने हुन्छ । श्वास-प्रश्वासको गति तथा मुटुको गति बढेर दोब्बर हुन्छ र रक्तचाप निकै बढ्छ ।
महिलाहरुमा पाठेघर तथा योनिको बाहिरी भाग एवम् शरीरको तल्लो भागका मांसपेशीहरु खुम्चने तथा फुक्ने हुन्छन् । पूर्ण चरम सुख पाउँदा यस्तो मांसपेशी खुम्चने, फुक्ने क्रम १० देखि १५ पटकसम्म हुन्छ । यस बेला जुन सुखानुभूति हुन्छ हामी त्यसलाई चरम सुख वा चरम -स्वर्गीय) आनन्द भन्छौं । यसपछि पुनः सबै कुरा सामान्य अवस्थामा आउने क्रम सुरु हुन्छ, जसलाई हामी रिजोलुसन फेज (Resolution Phase) भन्छौं ।
चरम सुखका लक्षणहरू
चरम सुखको चरणमा मांसपेशीहरुमा निकै तनाव आउँछ र आफैं खुम्चने तथा खुल्ने हुन्छ । श्वास-प्रश्वासको गति तथा मुटुको गति बढेर दोब्बर हुन्छ र रक्तचाप निकै बढ्छ । महिलाहरुमा पाठेघर तथा योनिको बाहिरी भाग एवम् शरीरको तल्लो भागका मांसपेशीहरु खुम्चने तथा फुक्ने हुन्छन् । पूर्ण चरम सुख पाउँदा यस्तो मांसपेशी खुम्चने-फुक्ने क्रम १० देखि १५ पटकसम्म हुन्छ । यस बेला जुन सुखानुभूति हुन्छ त्यसलाई चरम सुख वा चरम -स्वर्गीय) आनन्द भन्ने गरिन्छ ।
पुरुषहरुको हकमा भने यो चरम सुख पाउने कुरा दुइ चरणमा पूरा हुन्छ । सुरुमा आन्तरिक अंगहरुको खुम्चने-फुक्ने क्रम सुरु हुन्छ र वीर्यलाई मूत्रनलीमा धकेल्छ । यस अवस्थामा पुगेपछि स्खलन रोकिन नसक्ने भएकोले प्वाइन्ट अफ नो रिटन (Point of no return) पनि भनिन्छ । त्यसपछि मूत्रनली, लिंग तथा पौरुषग्रन्थिको खुम्चने-फुक्ने क्रम सुरु हुन्छ र वीर्य पनि बाहिर निस्कन्छ । वीर्य लिंगबाट बाहिर निस्कनुलाई नै हामी वीर्य स्खलन भएको भन्छौं । यही बेला नै पुरुषहरुले चरम सुख पनि पाउँछन् ।
यी सबै लक्षणहरूको अवलोकनबाट कसैले यौनसुख पाए/नपाएको कुरा थाहा पाउन सकिन्छ । तर कोही व्यक्ति यौनक्रियामा संलग्न हुन्छ भने ऊ आफैंले यस्ता लक्षणहरू अवलोकन गर्नु सजिलो कुरा होइन । अवलोकन गर्न भनेर कसैले यौनक्रियाकलापलाई नै रोकेमा यौनसाथीलाई पनि त्यसको प्रभाव पर्छ र यौन चरम सुखको स्थितिसम्म पुग्न लागेकै भए पनि अवरुद्ध हुन सक्छ ।
यसबारे थाहा पाउनु सबैभन्दा राम्रो उपायचाहिँ यौनसाथीलाई यौन चरम सुख पाए/नपाएको स्पष्ट सोध्नु नै हो । आफ्ना यौनजीवनका बारेमा स्पष्ट कुराकानी गर्न सकिएपछि यसलाई अझै सुमधुर बनाउन निकै मद्दत गर्दछ ।
तर हामीबीच यौनसम्बन्ध भयो। अनि ........
म २७ वर्षीया महिला हुँ। मेरो विवाह १७ वर्षको उमेरमा भएको थियो। त्यो बेला मेरा श्रीमान् वैदेशिक रोजगारीमा हुनुहुन्थ्यो। माया-प्रेम के हो थाहा थिएन। बहकाउमा आएर गाउँकै विवाहित पुरुषसँग हेलमेल भयो र माया-प्रीति बस्यो। उनीसँग शारीरिक सम्बन्ध राखेपछि मलाई गलत गरें भन्ने लाग्यो अनि त्यो घरमा बस्नु उचित लागेन। मैले आफ्नो घर छाडें र
सम्बन्ध-विच्छेद गरे। जोसँग सम्पर्क भयो, उनी विवाहित भएकाले उनको घर जानु पनि उपयुक्त लागेन। माइती जाने प्रश्न नै भएन। मैले यी सबै बेहोरा अवगत गराएर श्रीमान्लाई पत्र लेखें र यथार्थ कुरा बताएँ। अहिले म काठमाडौंमा तरकारी बेचेर जीविका चलाउँदैछु।
केही समययता मेरा श्रीमान् काठमाडौंमै व्यापार गरेर बसेका छन्। बेला-बेलामा उनको र मेरो भेट हुन्छ। उनले गाउँमा दोस्रो विवाह गरेका छन्। यति हुँदाहुँदै पनि उनी मसँग असल व्यवहार गर्छन्, दुःख-सुख सोध्छन् र विवाह किन नगरेको भनेर सम्झाउँछन्। एक्लै बस्नुभन्दा मेरै डेरामा मसँगै बस भनेर कर गर्छन्। एक दिन म उनलाई भेट्न मात्र गएकी थिएँ, तर हामीबीच यौनसम्बन्ध भयो। यस्तो कुराले म बिलखबन्द र पश्चातापमा परेकी छु। उनको डेरा गएर सधैंका लागि बसौं, म जुठी भैसकें। नबसौं, उनको अनादर गरेजस्तो हुन्छ, द्विविधा र तनावमा छु। अब म के गरौं?
एएन
तपाईंकै जस्ता घटना थुप्रै मानिसले भोग्दै आएका छन। तपाईं मात्र द्विविधा र तनावमा पर्ने एक्लो हुनुहुन्न। विगतका घटनाले तपाईंलाई पटक-पटक घचघच्याइरहन्छ, यो स्वाभाविक हो। तपाइर्ंले उक्त घटनाबाट शिक्षा लिनुभएको छ कि छैन भन्ने पक्षचाहिँ महत्त्वपूर्ण हो। मनोविज्ञानका हिसाबले आफ्नो पुरानो घटनालाई छलफलमा ल्याएर समाधान खोज्नु नै एक कदमअघि बढ्नु हो। त्यसबाट पाठ सिकेर आगामी दिनमा यस्ता घटना रोक्नुभयो भने द्विविधा र तनावबाट बच्न सकिन्छ। त्यसैले विगतका घटनालाई शिक्षाका रूपमा ग्रहण गरी बाँकी जीवनलाई सुख एवं सन्तोषमय बनाउनु उपयुक्त हुन्छ। घटना दोहोर्याइरह्यो भने समस्या बढ्दै जान्छ।
श्रीमान्सँग अलग भएपछि वा सम्बन्धविच्छेदपछि हुने यौनसम्बन्धका बारेमा धेरै लेख प्रकाशित भएका छन्। धेरैले अलग भएपछिको यौनसम्बन्धलाई गलत एवं अस्वस्थकर मान्छन्। मनोविज्ञानका हिसाबमा भने पुनः यौन सम्बन्ध राख्ने कुरा महत्वपूर्ण होइन। महत्त्वपूर्ण कुरा सम्बन्ध कहाँबाट किन बिगि्रयो र त्यसलाई कसरी मिलाउने भन्ने हो।
यदि यस्ता कुरा मिलाउन सकियो भने भविष्यको जीवन सुखद हुन्छ, मिलाउन सकिएन भने समस्या अझ बल्झँदै जान्छ। त्यसैले मनोविज्ञानले विगतको कुरा थाहा पाउने तर त्यो घटनाबाटै समस्याको समाधान निकाल्ने कुरामा विश्वास गर्छ। तपाईंको जस्तै समस्या संसारभरि घटिरहेका छन्। यस्ता धेरै घटनामा मनोवैज्ञानिकहरू विभिन्न अनुसन्धान गरिरहेका छन्।
भर्खरै जर्नल अफ सोसिएल साइन्स इन्ड साइकोलोजीले एउटा रोचक तथ्य उजागर गरेको छ। कम्तीमा पनि १३ वर्ष सँगै बसेका र ४ महिनाअघि छुट्टएिका जोडीहरूमा एउटा अनुसन्धान गरिएको थियो। अनुसन्धानमा उल्लेख गरिएअनुसार ८२ प्रतिशत जोडीले अझै पनि सम्बन्धबिच्छेद भएका श्रीमान्-श्रीमतीसँग भेटघाट हुने र २१ प्रतिशतले अझै पनि यौन सम्बन्ध हुने गरेको बताए। यसरी हेर्दा श्रीमानसँग अलग भएपछि हुने यौन सम्बन्ध तनावयुक्त नै हुन्छ भन्न सकिँदैन। यस्तो सम्बन्धलाई हरेक व्यक्तिले कसरी लिएका छन् भन्ने कुरा महत्त्वपूर्ण हुन्छ। जसले सम्बन्धविच्छेदलाई सहजै स्वीकार गरेको थियो, त्यस्तो व्यक्तिलाई पछि हुने यौन सम्बन्धले ग्लानि गराउँछ तर जसले सम्बन्ध-विच्छेद होस् भनेर चाहेको थिएन उसलाई भने ग्लानि हुँदैन।
हरेक जोडीको सम्बन्ध-विच्छेदपछि हुने यौनसम्बन्ध तनावमय हुन्छ कि हुँदैन भनेर निक्र्योल गर्नुभन्दा तपाईंलाई तपाईंको पूर्वश्रीमान्सँगको यौनसम्बन्ध कस्तो महसुस हुन्छ त्यसलाई आफैंले विचार गर्नु आवश्यक छ। माथि भनिएजस्तो मनोविज्ञानका हिसाबले आफ्नो पुरानो घटनालाई छलफलमा ल्याएर समाधान खोज्ने साहस देखाउनासाथ समाधानतर्फ अघि बढेको मान्न सकिन्छ। यसबाट पाठ सिकेर आगामी दिनमा यस्ता घटना रोक्नुभयो भने बाँकी जीवनलाई सार्थक बनाउन ठोस सहयोग पुग्छ। तपाईंको मुख्य समस्या के हो भने तपाईं एक्लो हुनुहुन्छ तर तपाईंका पूर्वश्रीमान् विवाहित हुनुहुन्छ। तपाईं आफ्ना विगतका घटनाबाट दुःखी भएकाले श्रीमान्सँग पूर्ववत् सम्बन्ध राख्न चाहनुहुन्छ। एएनजी, समय धेरै बितिसकेपछि कुनै पनि सम्बन्ध पहिलेझैं रहँदैन। त्यसैले यो सम्बन्ध कस्तो हो भनेर आफ्ना पूर्वश्रीमान्सँग छलफल गर्नुहोस्। छलफल गर्दा कुनै न कुनै निष्कर्ष अवश्य निस्कन्छ। निस्कन नसके तपाईंले यस्ता पश्चातापबाट बच्न मनोविद्हरूसँग सम्पर्क गर्नुपर्ने हुन्छ।
(यो उत्तर कानुनी वा अन्य पक्षभन्दा मनोवैज्ञानिक पक्षमा मात्र केन्दि्रत छ।)
साभार : साप्ताहिक
अब म कैले सेक्स गर्न चाहान्न !!
The most frequent phone call to my office begins with these seven dismaying words. Even young women say this. Hot women say this. In fact about 40 million women feel this.1 They all can’t be too busy for sex. Have you told your husband this? Has your wife told you this? Here’s how to analyze what’s going on.
The first time I heard those words from a client, I was flummoxed. It sounded so permanent; so hopeless. I’m sure their monogamous partner was devastated. But just like calculus seems impossible to understand, if you break it down and start with arithmetic you can figure out what is happening and solve the problems. In my experience with thousands of couples, a woman’s low libido can be understood. Most of the time, the couple can be helped to have loving sex at a frequency that makes both partners happier. The first step to healing low libido is discovering it’s foundation. Is the genesis of the low sexual desire inside the woman, in her self-image, in her sexual/relational history? Is sex caught between the couple in the power struggle? Have they enacted some withholding-greedy pattern that is trying to say something else but comes out in the bedroom? Is she actually more erotic than him but hides her knowledge in order to protect him from her criticism? Are there physiological problems that have caused pain and dryness? Or do the problems lay deeper in the unconscious, stemming from shame, trauma, or a toxic family of origin?
I’ve written a book Wanting Sex Again – How to Rediscover Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage (Berkley Trade, Penquin) due out in less than a week to help couples figure out what is happening. It’s sex therapy in a book for the low libido woman.
In treatment, I often spend the first session or two determining when the low libido started and what is causing it. Here are some of the questions I ask the woman and her partner to help you begin to analyze their situation. Each section diagnoses a particular area contributing to the sexual disruption. For many women, there are several areas that are problematic.
1) The big O: Do you have orgasms? I want the woman who doesn’t experience orgasm (technically called anorgasmia) to be startled by the preeminence I put on this issue. Sex is about pleasure, sensation, passion and release. Certainly, women want more out of sex than a climax. But without a peak, their ache will diminish. Their arousal will become slower because the body is wise; it says, “Why should I go up that hill when there is nothing up there for me?” I educate both partners about just how long it takes a woman who has never had an orgasm to climax. I recommend a vibrator to help her experience a climax rapidly and with relative ease.
2) Pain problems: Do you have any pain during love-making or intercourse? Dryness, pain with intercourse, vaginal spasms, pain upon arousal, clitoral pain, pain post-cancer treatment – any and all of these can derail sex. It’s amazing to me how many women grit their teeth and keep having intercourse irrespective of it feeling like “sandpaper.” Most of the time, there is a physiological component to pain and recovery includes work with a gynecologist and a women’s health physical therapist. The disruption to a couple’s sex life may need sex therapy to design work-arounds and get love-making back on track. Menopausal symptoms are usually very treatable with hormones or natural remedies and do not have to interrupt a couple’s sex life. Typical diagnostic terms: vaginismus (spasms at the outer vaginal canal that prevent penetration and often consummation of the marriage), vestibulitis (pain at the entrance of the vagina often at the bottom arc of 4-7 o’clock if the vagina was a clock,) vulvadynia (pain anywhere in the vulva with or without arousal), dyspareunia (pain with intercourse) are almost all solvable or improvable. Don’t suffer one more day. Find a doctor specializing in pelvic pain and a sex therapist.
Sexual desire resides in a woman's imagination.
3) Imagination/fantasy: How often do you think about sex in a positive way in a month? A woman’s thoughts about sex may range from simple enjoyment of her partner’s morning hug, hearing a sexy song, seeing a show on TV that reminds her of good, positive, even former sexual feelings. Her fantasies don’t have to be about flesh on flesh. She may see a stranger and think he has nice legs or good hair. For the low libido woman, all these count in the positive column. If I hear the number “2” from a woman by way of answer, I’m hopeful. I know I can get the couple back on track sexually with a fair amount of ease. How? My goal is get her to act on at least one of these thoughts to initiate with her partner and allow receptive desire to carry the rest of the beginnings. One time she risks so her partner can feel wanted too and several other times a month using a slow build to arousal can increase frequency dramatically in sexless marriages. If her answer is 0, I’ll even capitalize on negative thoughts about sex like, “I hope he doesn’t want sex tonight.” At least sex is in her awareness. If she allows no thoughts about sex, we need to explore deeper issues about why she may be so shut down.
4) Marital issues: Does your partner respect you? Does your partner listen to you? Do you share the burden of life’s chores fairly? These questions are more effective than asking is a woman has a good marriage which can generate simple defensiveness. The quality of the couple connection is going to be very important to a woman with low desire, in fact for most women, emotional attachment is a cornerstone for continuing lust. The dynamics of the distancer and pursuer are often played out over control for sex. Each partner must learn how to change their steps so that sex is freed from the power struggle. For help in figuring out which one you are, please use my handout Pursuer-Distancer Continuum or read my personal favorite previous blogs on the sexual pursuer and the sexual distancer. I also want to know if they are attracted to their partner and if they think their partner is attracted to them. Are you afraid of your partner; does he have a temper? When did the sexual excitement change – at the altar? After the honeymoon? After the children came? With menopause or aging? Has either spouse been unfaithful?
5) Body issues:
What mood problems might be affecting sex? Are you depressed or anxious? Is the medication used to treat the mood disorder (like an SSRI) one that dampens sex? Any other medication or illness that might impact sex?
Are you on birth control pills? BCPs are notorious at lowering libido and developing vaginal dryness or pain.
How did pregnancy and delivery change your body and vagina? Did you suffer post-partum depression? Do you allow yourself to be a sexy mama? Have both you and your husband started focusing exclusively on the needs of the children?
Are you menopausal and adequately treated for any sexually associated changes? Many menopausal women experience symptoms that interrupt sex: night sweats that leave them tired, reduction of testosterone and estrogen production that changes their craving-sex feelings, vaginal dryness and atrophy, etc. Women report more distress over their low libido in this age group of 45-60.2
Are you a breast cancer or gynecological cancer survivor? Is your self-image damaged due to the loss of a breast (the most highly visible and culturally esteemed symbol of femininity.) What cancer treatment was used and how is it affecting your sexual recovery? Were you even told that your treatment (chemotherapy, drug therapy, radiation) would impact your sexual life?
Is her husband a survivor of prostate cancer? Does he suffer any other physiological sexual dysfunction?
6) Eroticism: Is sex sexy? Do you have fun in bed once you get going? Or has sex devolved to getting ready, turning down the sheets, doing it, cleaning up, getting back in bed, going to sleep? Has sex become BORING? Are either you creative enough to inspire a thrill? I ask about her partner’s technique. How long does the whole thing last? How long does he touch her clitoris? Have you been more erotic in previous relationships? Does your partner have poor technique? How much courage have you exercised in talking about what you really need to get excited and reach orgasm? Are the partners tactful and kind when they discuss their needs in bed?
7) Frequency: How many times a week do you have sex? A month? A year? In listening to the reply I still am thinking about the quality of their bond - does she give one answer to this question and does he give another? A low libido woman might say it happens every week. Her husband will reply, “No, not on the week of your period and last month we didn’t do it the week your mother was visiting either.” If they can’t agree on how often it happens, this tells me that their relationship is fairly disrupted. Often partners want me to know that it is not simply a matter of getting more sex, but a matter of having sex where she is an involved, desirous partner. But very low frequency is an indicator of trouble in bed. Sometimes her partner has unreasonable expectations for frequency; her normal libido has been labeled dysfunctional because of the mismatch. Feeling sexually starved or sexually drowned cannot be resolved by simply finding the mid-point. Each partner must have empathy and deep understanding for the needs of the other when it comes to quantity.
8) Sexual History: What was your first sex experience like? Was it with someone you cared about and who was tender? Did you just get rid of your virginity like it was a burden? Did you masturbate in childhood and was it acceptable in your family? Did a parent tell you the facts of life? What were the teenage rules about acceptable sexual expression in your family? Does any particular genital or body part of yourself or your partner cause you to shudder when looking, touching, or talking about it? Did religion and faith play a role in the formation of your erotic self; was the message about sex a blessing or an evil? What was the romantic triumph or tragedy of your parent’s marriage? Was there alcoholism, adultery, addiction, anger in your family of origin? Is there a history of trauma, molestation, date rape, or violent rape?
While these questions do not cover every possible origin of low libido, they often start an important conversation about when it started and what area might be the place to begin solving it.
1,2 Schifren J, Monz B, Russo P et al. Sexual problems and distress in United States women: prevalence and correlates. Obstetrics and Gynecology; Volume 112, No. 5, Nov 2008:970-978
I’ve written a book Wanting Sex Again – How to Rediscover Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage (Berkley Trade, Penquin) due out in less than a week to help couples figure out what is happening. It’s sex therapy in a book for the low libido woman.
In treatment, I often spend the first session or two determining when the low libido started and what is causing it. Here are some of the questions I ask the woman and her partner to help you begin to analyze their situation. Each section diagnoses a particular area contributing to the sexual disruption. For many women, there are several areas that are problematic.
1) The big O: Do you have orgasms? I want the woman who doesn’t experience orgasm (technically called anorgasmia) to be startled by the preeminence I put on this issue. Sex is about pleasure, sensation, passion and release. Certainly, women want more out of sex than a climax. But without a peak, their ache will diminish. Their arousal will become slower because the body is wise; it says, “Why should I go up that hill when there is nothing up there for me?” I educate both partners about just how long it takes a woman who has never had an orgasm to climax. I recommend a vibrator to help her experience a climax rapidly and with relative ease.
2) Pain problems: Do you have any pain during love-making or intercourse? Dryness, pain with intercourse, vaginal spasms, pain upon arousal, clitoral pain, pain post-cancer treatment – any and all of these can derail sex. It’s amazing to me how many women grit their teeth and keep having intercourse irrespective of it feeling like “sandpaper.” Most of the time, there is a physiological component to pain and recovery includes work with a gynecologist and a women’s health physical therapist. The disruption to a couple’s sex life may need sex therapy to design work-arounds and get love-making back on track. Menopausal symptoms are usually very treatable with hormones or natural remedies and do not have to interrupt a couple’s sex life. Typical diagnostic terms: vaginismus (spasms at the outer vaginal canal that prevent penetration and often consummation of the marriage), vestibulitis (pain at the entrance of the vagina often at the bottom arc of 4-7 o’clock if the vagina was a clock,) vulvadynia (pain anywhere in the vulva with or without arousal), dyspareunia (pain with intercourse) are almost all solvable or improvable. Don’t suffer one more day. Find a doctor specializing in pelvic pain and a sex therapist.
Sexual desire resides in a woman's imagination.
3) Imagination/fantasy: How often do you think about sex in a positive way in a month? A woman’s thoughts about sex may range from simple enjoyment of her partner’s morning hug, hearing a sexy song, seeing a show on TV that reminds her of good, positive, even former sexual feelings. Her fantasies don’t have to be about flesh on flesh. She may see a stranger and think he has nice legs or good hair. For the low libido woman, all these count in the positive column. If I hear the number “2” from a woman by way of answer, I’m hopeful. I know I can get the couple back on track sexually with a fair amount of ease. How? My goal is get her to act on at least one of these thoughts to initiate with her partner and allow receptive desire to carry the rest of the beginnings. One time she risks so her partner can feel wanted too and several other times a month using a slow build to arousal can increase frequency dramatically in sexless marriages. If her answer is 0, I’ll even capitalize on negative thoughts about sex like, “I hope he doesn’t want sex tonight.” At least sex is in her awareness. If she allows no thoughts about sex, we need to explore deeper issues about why she may be so shut down.
4) Marital issues: Does your partner respect you? Does your partner listen to you? Do you share the burden of life’s chores fairly? These questions are more effective than asking is a woman has a good marriage which can generate simple defensiveness. The quality of the couple connection is going to be very important to a woman with low desire, in fact for most women, emotional attachment is a cornerstone for continuing lust. The dynamics of the distancer and pursuer are often played out over control for sex. Each partner must learn how to change their steps so that sex is freed from the power struggle. For help in figuring out which one you are, please use my handout Pursuer-Distancer Continuum or read my personal favorite previous blogs on the sexual pursuer and the sexual distancer. I also want to know if they are attracted to their partner and if they think their partner is attracted to them. Are you afraid of your partner; does he have a temper? When did the sexual excitement change – at the altar? After the honeymoon? After the children came? With menopause or aging? Has either spouse been unfaithful?
5) Body issues:
What mood problems might be affecting sex? Are you depressed or anxious? Is the medication used to treat the mood disorder (like an SSRI) one that dampens sex? Any other medication or illness that might impact sex?
Are you on birth control pills? BCPs are notorious at lowering libido and developing vaginal dryness or pain.
How did pregnancy and delivery change your body and vagina? Did you suffer post-partum depression? Do you allow yourself to be a sexy mama? Have both you and your husband started focusing exclusively on the needs of the children?
Are you menopausal and adequately treated for any sexually associated changes? Many menopausal women experience symptoms that interrupt sex: night sweats that leave them tired, reduction of testosterone and estrogen production that changes their craving-sex feelings, vaginal dryness and atrophy, etc. Women report more distress over their low libido in this age group of 45-60.2
Are you a breast cancer or gynecological cancer survivor? Is your self-image damaged due to the loss of a breast (the most highly visible and culturally esteemed symbol of femininity.) What cancer treatment was used and how is it affecting your sexual recovery? Were you even told that your treatment (chemotherapy, drug therapy, radiation) would impact your sexual life?
Is her husband a survivor of prostate cancer? Does he suffer any other physiological sexual dysfunction?
6) Eroticism: Is sex sexy? Do you have fun in bed once you get going? Or has sex devolved to getting ready, turning down the sheets, doing it, cleaning up, getting back in bed, going to sleep? Has sex become BORING? Are either you creative enough to inspire a thrill? I ask about her partner’s technique. How long does the whole thing last? How long does he touch her clitoris? Have you been more erotic in previous relationships? Does your partner have poor technique? How much courage have you exercised in talking about what you really need to get excited and reach orgasm? Are the partners tactful and kind when they discuss their needs in bed?
7) Frequency: How many times a week do you have sex? A month? A year? In listening to the reply I still am thinking about the quality of their bond - does she give one answer to this question and does he give another? A low libido woman might say it happens every week. Her husband will reply, “No, not on the week of your period and last month we didn’t do it the week your mother was visiting either.” If they can’t agree on how often it happens, this tells me that their relationship is fairly disrupted. Often partners want me to know that it is not simply a matter of getting more sex, but a matter of having sex where she is an involved, desirous partner. But very low frequency is an indicator of trouble in bed. Sometimes her partner has unreasonable expectations for frequency; her normal libido has been labeled dysfunctional because of the mismatch. Feeling sexually starved or sexually drowned cannot be resolved by simply finding the mid-point. Each partner must have empathy and deep understanding for the needs of the other when it comes to quantity.
8) Sexual History: What was your first sex experience like? Was it with someone you cared about and who was tender? Did you just get rid of your virginity like it was a burden? Did you masturbate in childhood and was it acceptable in your family? Did a parent tell you the facts of life? What were the teenage rules about acceptable sexual expression in your family? Does any particular genital or body part of yourself or your partner cause you to shudder when looking, touching, or talking about it? Did religion and faith play a role in the formation of your erotic self; was the message about sex a blessing or an evil? What was the romantic triumph or tragedy of your parent’s marriage? Was there alcoholism, adultery, addiction, anger in your family of origin? Is there a history of trauma, molestation, date rape, or violent rape?
While these questions do not cover every possible origin of low libido, they often start an important conversation about when it started and what area might be the place to begin solving it.
1,2 Schifren J, Monz B, Russo P et al. Sexual problems and distress in United States women: prevalence and correlates. Obstetrics and Gynecology; Volume 112, No. 5, Nov 2008:970-978
5 How-To Tips for Changing Your Sex Life
"But how does the daddy sperm meet the mommy egg, Mommy?" asked my sweet 4-year-old. My clients ask, "But HOW do I change my sex life?" People feel frustrated when their requests fail to spur their partner to action. They've nagged, requested, demanded, yelled, cried, and gone silent.
How to Change:
1) Analyze your own part - is there anything you can do to make your partner's response easier? Has she asked you to wear nice clothes so her visual take on you is more attractive? Has he asked for more aggression on your part but you didn't think it was "lady-like?"
Even if you've tried everything... sometimes you have to "go again." You've felt discouraged and have withdrawn behaviors that your partner might need in favor of the power struggle. But to make change possible at this stage—do what works: initiation, romance, seduction, compliments, holding your temper,and helping your partner with the burden of life. 2) Accept developmental issues - some changes take more time. Newlyweds who are virgins just aren't going to have fabulous sex until they have a few years of experience. Adjustments to parenthood, menopause, male pause, retirement, moving, empty nest and recommitments can temporarily derail sex. Have traumatic memories emerged? Is your partner grieving the loss of a parent? Is he/she depressed? Patience is everything for a lifetime of good sex. Ignoring important life events is selfish and will cause your partner to withdraw from you.
3) Appreciate the approximation - when your partner does something close to what you like—be all over it!!! Rave a little! Don't say, "well, it was kind of what I've been describing but not really..." Don't tweak everything. Human behavior can best be shaped by repetitive positive reactions. Encourage small steps.
Some people listen and exclaim, "Exactly!" They are fun to communicate with because it's like playing catch. You toss a ball and they catch it. "Yes!" It is so satisfying to talk with them and everything flows. They aren't faking being understood. Intuitively, super communicators know that understanding is a process and they very enthusiastically support every modicum of effort on their partner's part to "get it."
Other people are more anxious that they will never be understood. They are constantly correcting for perfection. Communication is tedious, interrupted. Sort of like barbed wire. Every whipstitch requires a detailed minor argument. Ugh. If you approach sex this same way, all the joy, fluidity, and feelings of satisfaction will be drained from the experience.
4) Accentuate the positive it - No one, no ONE, NO ONE!, likes to hear criticism in bed. If you can't say it with a positive spin, shrapnel will explode and damage every aspect of your sex life. Just stop. Shut up. Don't say anything. Finish this sentence... "I would love it in bed, if you..."
5) Act with integrity - sometimes this may mean saying, "I love you. I want you. If you don't want sex or sex with me then we need to break up." This is so scary. Especially if there are vows and children and mortgages. I'm not saying give an ultimatum, I'm saying: tell the truth. Never, ever say this unless you are absolutely at your end... like about-to-have-an-affair-with-the-secretary-end.
I'm asked, "Is it ever justified to end a marriage due to no sex?" First, let me say I have tremendous hope about helping people make sex hotter and better. I've seen lots of "no-sex" marriages recover. Sexual problems are always, always, always system problems... that means you contribute to the problems too.
But fidelity is a two-edged sword. It's a promise to stay away from all others and a way into an alive, erotic life with your partner.
Pick a timeframe and watch and see what happens. Don't listen to words; pay attention to actions. If your partner says they will do anything to change but don't go to therapy, read everything, and really struggle... reassess. Don't nag, simply observe. What happens without the push from your end. Check in with friends or a therapist to see if your expectations are unrealistic.
Join my daily blog on AskLaurieWatson. You can find my book Wanting Sex Again on Amazon and at your local bookstore. For weekend retreats, intensives and consultations go to Sex Therapy
How to Change:
1) Analyze your own part - is there anything you can do to make your partner's response easier? Has she asked you to wear nice clothes so her visual take on you is more attractive? Has he asked for more aggression on your part but you didn't think it was "lady-like?"
Even if you've tried everything... sometimes you have to "go again." You've felt discouraged and have withdrawn behaviors that your partner might need in favor of the power struggle. But to make change possible at this stage—do what works: initiation, romance, seduction, compliments, holding your temper,and helping your partner with the burden of life. 2) Accept developmental issues - some changes take more time. Newlyweds who are virgins just aren't going to have fabulous sex until they have a few years of experience. Adjustments to parenthood, menopause, male pause, retirement, moving, empty nest and recommitments can temporarily derail sex. Have traumatic memories emerged? Is your partner grieving the loss of a parent? Is he/she depressed? Patience is everything for a lifetime of good sex. Ignoring important life events is selfish and will cause your partner to withdraw from you.
3) Appreciate the approximation - when your partner does something close to what you like—be all over it!!! Rave a little! Don't say, "well, it was kind of what I've been describing but not really..." Don't tweak everything. Human behavior can best be shaped by repetitive positive reactions. Encourage small steps.
Some people listen and exclaim, "Exactly!" They are fun to communicate with because it's like playing catch. You toss a ball and they catch it. "Yes!" It is so satisfying to talk with them and everything flows. They aren't faking being understood. Intuitively, super communicators know that understanding is a process and they very enthusiastically support every modicum of effort on their partner's part to "get it."
Other people are more anxious that they will never be understood. They are constantly correcting for perfection. Communication is tedious, interrupted. Sort of like barbed wire. Every whipstitch requires a detailed minor argument. Ugh. If you approach sex this same way, all the joy, fluidity, and feelings of satisfaction will be drained from the experience.
4) Accentuate the positive it - No one, no ONE, NO ONE!, likes to hear criticism in bed. If you can't say it with a positive spin, shrapnel will explode and damage every aspect of your sex life. Just stop. Shut up. Don't say anything. Finish this sentence... "I would love it in bed, if you..."
5) Act with integrity - sometimes this may mean saying, "I love you. I want you. If you don't want sex or sex with me then we need to break up." This is so scary. Especially if there are vows and children and mortgages. I'm not saying give an ultimatum, I'm saying: tell the truth. Never, ever say this unless you are absolutely at your end... like about-to-have-an-affair-with-the-secretary-end.
I'm asked, "Is it ever justified to end a marriage due to no sex?" First, let me say I have tremendous hope about helping people make sex hotter and better. I've seen lots of "no-sex" marriages recover. Sexual problems are always, always, always system problems... that means you contribute to the problems too.
But fidelity is a two-edged sword. It's a promise to stay away from all others and a way into an alive, erotic life with your partner.
Pick a timeframe and watch and see what happens. Don't listen to words; pay attention to actions. If your partner says they will do anything to change but don't go to therapy, read everything, and really struggle... reassess. Don't nag, simply observe. What happens without the push from your end. Check in with friends or a therapist to see if your expectations are unrealistic.
Join my daily blog on AskLaurieWatson. You can find my book Wanting Sex Again on Amazon and at your local bookstore. For weekend retreats, intensives and consultations go to Sex Therapy
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