Sexual problems are maintained between 2 people.  High/low, kinky/vanilla, softer/harder, erotic/dull desire – whatever the differences… people can’t resolve sexual issues because of the speck/log problem.  We can see what our partner is doing wrong.  The question we need to ask is, “What am I doing (or not doing) that gets in the way of a satisfying sex life?”

Sam wanted his wife to be free and uninhibited.  Once when she was on top, she reached down to stimulate herself. By taking matters into her own hands, so to speak, he thought she was communicating that he (his size, rhythm, whatever) wasn’t good enough.  Not a regular drinker, she decided to try some wine before bed.  He complained that she had acted silly not sensuous.  His anxiety about being adequate proscribed the ways she could change things.  His expectations about what freedom looked like turned spontaneity into a command – “be spontaneous the way I like it.” Marianna was bored in bed.  She longed for skilled seduction from her husband.  Most of the time he acted like a little boy, joking about, “When were they gonna do the jungle act?”  He grabbed at her breasts and buttocks.  Junior high jokes about farting and burping were his kind of funny.  In turn, Marianna acted prim.  She more often than not, rejected his initiations by rolling her eyes.  Her reactions made her the mother or the school-marm and him the naughty little boy.  She never took on the role of seductress because she believed initiation was the man’s role.

Questions to ask yourself:

1)   What 3 words describe your ideal sexual encounter?  You have to know what you want and own it before you can get it.  In my clinical experience, women more often than men, describe ideal sex as “I’ll know it when it happens.”  This attitude lacks the adult responsibility of shaping our future and makes it impossible to ask for what we want.

2)   Have I met the conditions my partner has asked for? Spouses might have peculiar requests but meeting them minimally reduces their argument for resistance.  Not meeting simple requests reinforces the power struggle between you. For instance, your partner says, “I’d feel more comfortable giving oral sex if you showered first.”  Shower.  “Your breathe is a turn-off.” Get regular dental cleanings, scrape your tongue, dental floss your teeth.  “I want you to initiate.”  Buck up.  Be courageous.  Plan a seduction. “I want to feel connected before we have sex.” Schedule a twice weekly lunch/date/dinner to talk about emotional subjects, dreams, goals – think dating. Keep the appointment as a matter of integrity regardless of what happens sexually.  Change is uneven and not based on quid pro quo. 

3)   Does my temper make my spouse feel afraid or anxious? Sex requires a sense of physical safety and most often relaxation.  If you can’t control your mouth – MOVE YOUR FEET!  Put a door between yourself and your family before one cross word or one elevated decibel threatens to destroy a normal disagreement.  Commit within yourself to a zero tolerance standard over your inappropriate anger.

4)   Do I keep raising the bar? Spouses become afraid that change will only last if they keep the pressure on.  Most people respond to appreciative reinforcement more.  Say thank you! Talk about how great small changes are without mentioning the next step.  Keep in mind that changes happen along an average trajectory with a step back every now and then.  Don’t over-react if the old pattern emerges temporarily.

5)   Am I a blamer?  In most decent couples, for every transgression of our spouse, there is a corollary to the way we have injured the relationship.  Find it.  Own it.  Forget calling attention to your partner’s every flaw.  That is exhausting to a relationship.  Being one up means your partner is one down – you both lose.

6)   Have I given sex its proper priority? – One woman I knew exercised 11 hours a week – tennis lessons, 3x weight training, 3x aerobics, etc.  She said she was too tired for sex.  Yet trading one of those hours for love-making would have eliminated their stressful fights over sex.  Poor decision.  Another man felt life was good but would be better with just a little more sex; his nagging eroded a relationship that was satisfactory.  In both examples, the people felt anxiety over getting close.  She was afraid of being controlled if she let him into her body or gave him leave to exercise her in a different way.  He was afraid that there would never be enough sensation to satisfy an aching need inside; he projected responsibility for his emptiness onto her.

7)   Does comparing outside my relationship leave me envious and unsatisfied? No matter how the neighbor brags, most people don’t volunteer the unvarnished truth about their sexual problems. Jokes, innuendos and public displays of affection are sometimes actually designed to make others jealous.  Pornography has nothing to do with real life.  Women don’t look that way.  Men aren’t that big.  Truly being satisfied with one person will be more difficult if you feed yourself a visual smorgasbord.

 You can find Laurie Watson's book Wanting Sex Again on Amazon, Barnes and Noble or at  bookstores everywhere. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter!

According to Adam Grant, Wharton’s most popular and youngest tenured faculty member, author of Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success, people fall into one of 3 distinct categories: Givers, Matchers and Takers. While Grant’s book is written for a business audience, its theories provide extraordinary insight into romantic relationships. The category you fall into may well determine the success and happiness of your relationship!

For example, has a romantic relationship ever made you feel like you were not good enough? Have you ever been taken advantage of by a romantic partner? Have you ever felt like you gave everything to someone and ended up completely worn out? Then you may just fall into the “Giver” style of romantic partner.

Interestingly, while the Giver style may have its drawbacks, Givers are also usually the most attractive partners and more likely to have long-term relationships! A study examining the trait most highly valued in potential romantic partners suggests a different story: both men and women rate kindness as one of their most desired traits. Moreover, givers are also most likely to be affectionate, a trait which determines the long-term success of a relationship (as I describe in this post ) not to mention their own longevity. n order to understand where you fit in and how to best navigate your relationships with others, here’s a summary of the 3 styles of romantic partners.

3 Styles of Romantic Partners

Givers are people whose primary motivation is to take care of others, to make sure others are well, and to contribute to others and society. In a relationship, these are people who are always thinking about gifts for their partner, who take their partners’ interests into consideration, and who are always thinking “What else can I do for you?” They’re pretty awesome. As Grant mentions in his book—everyone likes having givers around because they are always happy to contribute and thinking of others. They understand the relationship as an opportunity to give and take care.

Givers often end up thinking there is something wrong with them when they are unhappy in a relationship. They are the ones who think they are not lovable or good enough because they take personal responsibility for making the relationship work (rather than blaming their partners). They can end up burned out and exhausted, from continuously giving at their own cost if they do not receive the support they need from the relationship.

Matchers tend to keep a balance sheet in a relationship. When matchers give they do so with an expectation of getting something in return.  When they receive something, they feel like they have to give something back. Matchers are the ones who are keeping tabs, and view relationships as somewhat like a commercial transaction.They are the ones who are most likely to say something like:  “I did this for you, but you didn’t do that for me” or “You paid for this, so I’ll pay for that.” 

Takers are just that…takers. They usually treat people well only if and when those people can help them reach their goals. Interestingly, Grant points out that they often appear as the most charming and charismatic people on the surface. They know how to work the crowd and seduce, but under the surface they are actually motivated by self-interest. You can recognize a taker by how poorly they treat people that they believe are of no use to them. You know you’re in a relationship with a taker when you feel sucked dry for all you have (whether it’s money, affection, time etc.). Once the taker has everything they want from you, you may be relegated to the “unimportant” sphere of their life. Their primary focus is themselves.

So Who is Most Successful and Who is Least Successful?

Grant points out a fascinating fact about who, among these 3 styles, is happiest and most successful: It is givers. What about those who are least successful? Also givers! Why? Givers who learn to successfully navigate a world with matchers and takers make out great. Everyone loves givers, trusts them, and supports them when they are in need. So why are Givers also the least successful? Because some givers don’t know how to navigate that world and, as a consequence, end up taken advantage of. If you’re a giver, you’ve been there at least once both professionally and personally.

Imagine a relationship between a giver and a taker? These end up with the giver completely worn out, having perhaps spent their savings, time and energy on someone who keeps demanding more and never or scarcely provides for their partners’ needs (unless they do so temporarily because it behooves them at that moment).

So what makes a successful giver? Read Adam Grant’s book to get his complete lists of tips. One that stood out to me was the idea of being a “giver with awareness.” Awareness of what? Be aware that the world has givers, matchers and takers. Watch people’s words and actions, and you will know who is who. When you navigate romantic relationships, friendships or business partnerships, investigate which category your potential partner belongs to and don’t get blown away by first-impressions (as noted above, Takers are masters of first-impression charm). Then what? In a non-romantic situation, you can deal with Matchers and Takers by adopting a matcher-like attitude (I know, hard to do for a giver!). Start speaking in terms of “ok, we have an agreement, you do this and in exchange I will do this.”

What about in romantic relationships? I conferred with Adam Grant while writing this article and he shared the following tip about long-term love: “In the most successful relationships, both partners are givers. In other words, when a romantic relationship works, matchers and takers are focused on giving.  Both partners might be giving in different ways, but they should be willing to support each other without expecting something in return. That said, when things get too far out of balance, I think we all become matchers.” Imagine a relationship where both partners are always caring for each other’s needs. Where when there is a fight, both are the first to say “I’m sorry, it was my fault.” In which both live their life with their partner’s best interest in mind. You better believe that matchers and takers are also looking out for givers so, if you’re a giver, be sure you seek one out for yourself too because you deserve it.

If you recognize yourself as a matcher or taker then—first of all—congratulations on being so honest with yourself. Of course, because of givers’ affectionate and service-oriented qualities, it is also in your best interest to have a partner who is a giver. However, I’d like you to consider 2 things:

First, givers will never be fully happy unless you support them as they support you. They will eventually feel worn out and perhaps even leave. In a recent study by Amie Gordon at the University of California-Berkeley, those who experienced more gratitude in their relationship also felt closer to their partner, more satisfied with the relationship and tended to engage in more constructive and positive behaviors within the relationship. Ultimately, for a good relationship that benefits you, you will want your partner to be happy and will want to support them in return.

Second, as Grant’s book clearly outlines, givers are the ones who end up being most successful and happy, if they watch out not to be taken advantage of. A large amount of research now shows that a lifestyle comprised of kindness and service leads to greater fulfillment as well as health and happiness. If you want to be happy and successful, it therefore behooves you too to be or become a giver.

With the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays coming up, it's a great time to start being a giver! After all, isn't that what love's about?

For more information on Adam Grant’s book, visit this page on Amazon.

For more of my articles on how to make a relationship thrive, see here and here and here.

"Dr. Laura -- Could you write about transitioning to positive discipline for parents of older kids? If I start Empathic Parenting now with my kids 12 and 9, will it still help? How do I all of a sudden "remove" punishment? My 9 year old always says 'Oh now I guess I am grounded.' How do I change his thinking?"

Yes, empathic parenting always helps. Empathy creates a connection with your child. Children of any age, including teenagers, respond to that connection by being more open to  Grounding your child, removing privileges, punishing with extra chores -- all of these approaches are meant to "teach a lesson." But research shows that kids get preoccupied with the unfairness of the punishment, instead of feeling remorse for what they did wrong. The lesson you want to teach, I assume, is that your child can make a better choice next time. You also want to teach that everyone makes mistakes, and your child has the power and courage to make amends. You want him to practice that. Right? Here's how.

 1. First move yourself from anger into empathy. Once your child knows you're on his side, he feels safe to engage with you. Without that sense of safety, your child's heart is hardened to you -- because he expects judgment and punishment -- and you have no influence at all. So just tell him you need some time to think, and get calm before you talk about what happened. (For more on managing your own anger.)

 2. Start with connection. If your child is worried about you getting upset at her, she'll move into "fight, flight or freeze" and learning will shut down. She's also more likely to lie. The only way to actually "teach a lesson" is to create a safe conversation. To do that, remember that your child has a reason for what she did. You may not consider it a good reason, but to her it's a reason. If you don't find out her reason, you can't prevent a recurrence.

 3. Tell your child you want to hear his thoughts about what happened. Then let him talk. Reflect to clarify (and demonstrate) your understanding:

"I see...so the guys really wanted you to play basketball, and it was at the same time as the study session for the test? That's a hard choice."

"Wow! So you and your sister were really furious at each other... you were so hurt when she....I would have been mad too, if someone said that to me......and you really wanted to get back at her, huh?"

 4. Keep your focus on connecting with your child and seeing the situation from his point of view. This helps you, and him, understand what motivated him. This gives him an opportunity to work through the feeling or the unmet need that drove his behavior. Kids always know what the right choice was, but something got in their way. What was it? How can he (with your help) address that so he can make a better choice next time?

For instance, let's say he played basketball with his friends instead of going to the study session, and then failed his test. You might find as you talk with him that he has a lot of anxiety about being accepted by the guys and felt he had to play basketball to be one of the gang. This social anxiety may be something he actually needs your help to sort out and problem-solve about, and once he does he would be a lot more ready to focus on schoolwork.

But by simply punishing him, you would never have even known about it. You would have lost the opportunity to help him address his feelings and find a good solution for next time. In fact, since punishment doesn't help him resolve his conflict, he might very well do the same thing next time, but invent some story to cover himself.

5. Ask open-ended questions. Keep the conversation as safe and as light as possible. If you can share a laugh, you'll defuse the tension and strengthen your bond, so remind yourself that this is a growth experience for both of you, and summon up your sense of humor.

 Was he aware of making a choice?

What led him to that choice?

What does he think about it now?

Was there a cost to making that choice?

Would he do it again?

Why or why not?

How could he support himself to choose differently next time?

 6. Explore and learn with your child, rather than assuming you know what should happen now. Once he isn't being controlled by that unmet need or upsetting feeling, and he sees the result of his action (failed test, hurt sister, broken window, whatever), he feels regretful. This is only after the feelings or needs have been processed, of course. But once they aren't driving him, his "goodness" is free to come through. He naturally wants to make things better.

So you ask him:

What can you do now to make things better?

Did this incident show you anything in your life that you want to change?

How can I support you?

 7. Resist the urge to jump in with punishments. Instead, be quiet and listen. This is not about him being punished and losing privileges and being told what bad things are now going to happen to him. It's about him realizing that what he does has an impact, and taking responsibility to have a positive rather than a negative impact. If you can avoid playing the heavy, your son can actually take responsibility, because he isn't on the defensive.

In the example of the failed test, maybe he makes a written chart about schoolwork, and sits with you to do it every night, and asks the teacher for extra credit work to do, etc. Is that punishment? No, not if this is the plan that he brainstorms with you to come up with. In fact, if you help him actually follow through and partner with him so he can achieve his goals, then it's completely empowering and could transform his ability to achieve in school.

If the bad choice was hurting his sister, then the reparations would be to her. All children have mixed emotions about siblings, but that means there is affection and comradeship in there somewhere, and even protectiveness.

 8. What if he says no repair work is necessary; that he doesn't care if he failed the test and his sister deserved what she got? He's still on the defensive. Say "Oh, Sweetie....I understand why this happened and why you made this choice....but that doesn't mean your choice worked out well...you must still be so upset to say that....I know that when you aren't so upset you would feel differently....Let's give this a break and talk more later." Give him a chance to calm down. When you start talking again, start with empathy. That's what helps him heal those feelings. And model taking responsibility, maybe by saying "I think some of this is my fault...I didn't realize you were falling behind in class, or I would have helped you address it before now."

9. Step into your own power. You as the grown-up have more power than you know in this situation. Your child is depending on your leadership, even if she seems to be resisting it. If she hurt her sister, it gives you an opportunity to address the obvious sibling rivalry. If she failed her test, it gives you an opportunity to consider your family's overall prioritization of schoolwork. When we give our children sufficient support, they usually rise to the level of our expectations. Some kids just need more support than others.

10. Expect an adjustment period. Like any transition, a change in your parenting from punitive to empathic parenting will include both of you learning the new territory. No blame. We all do the best we can as parents. But if you've been punishing, your child was obeying out of fear. Once you stop punishing, she stops obeying. So you need to make it your highest priority to do some repair work on your connection, so she WANTS to cooperate with you, and doesn't want to disappoint you. Otherwise, she'll just flaunt your rules.

But what if she just can't regulate herself to stop fighting with her sister or do her homework? This is where you pay the piper for your previous punishing -- it's likely she has some big upsets stored up that are driving her behavior. Once you aren't punishing, kids feel safer, so the emotions they've been stuffing come pouring out -- sometimes in the form of rudeness toward parents. The key is to stay empathic and not take it personally. Remind her that you speak with respect to her, and that you expect civility in return: "You must be so upset to speak to me that way...What's going on, Sweetie?" Stay compassionate. Welcome her upset feelings. The more safety you can provide, the sooner your child will be willing to cry and share what's really bothering her. Once she empties her emotional backpack of all those uncomfortable feelings she's been lugging around, she'll be much more open to connecting. And because you've stayed compassionate, she'll know you're on her side, and she'll WANT to cooperate, whether she's three or thirteen.

 The hard part is changing your own habits, but luckily you'll see positive changes very quickly so you'll have incentive to keep going. Don't worry about changing your child's thinking. If you change, they change.

Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result –Oscar Wilde

Decide What’s Most Important

In the information age, there are constant demands on our attention and energy.  We face a barrage of demands that are urgent—that just have to be done by a certain date and time.  These may include doing the laundry, studying for an exam, responding to an e-mail, preparing a presentation, taking the dog for a walk, attending your son’s soccer game, or having Thanksgiving dinner with your relatives. The problem is that by the time you’ve attended to all the urgent things, it’s much more difficult to do the more complex, difficult, uncertain, but important tasks that will really move you forward towards your goals. To get to the next step in your career, find a new job, write a book, or start a small business, you need to put in a lot of time and cognitively intense effort. It all takes planning, research, networking, and preparation of materials. Unless you devote several productive hours to these activities each week, it’s not going to happen. Whereas most of us underestimate the time it will take and overestimate our willpower, successful people are realistic about the effort involved. They are clear about their priorities, have a vision of where they are headed, and are truly committed to these goals. That means they limit the time they put into the urgent stuff and sometimes just do what’s absolutely necessary, so they preserve time for building their dreams.

Do you aspire to be a truly successful person, yet run out of time and energy to get things done? Or perhaps you are performing well at a demanding job, being a supermom, or a straight “A” student, but the stress is getting to you and you know you can’t keep it up. You look enviously at that colleague, boss, or neighbor who seems not to have the same struggles. They have the same time limits and demands as you, but seem so much further  ahead in their career path, or they look fit and relaxed whereas you feel tired-eyed and bedraggled. Do they have boundless energy, superhuman capabilities, or have they figured out the secret of not needing sleep?  The truth is “None of the above.” These successful people have likely figured out the secret of working smarter, rather than harder. They understand the secrets of willpower and know how to schedule their priorities, rather than prioritize their schedule. They manage their stress and nurture their relationships. Read on to find out how you can do this too.

Be Accountable

Successful people understand that it’s not enough just to set goals; you also have to keep track of your progress and create incentives for yourself.  Otherwise it’s all too easy to put off doing the complex and difficult tasks. Changing your habits and routines is a very difficult task, and it takes commitment, effort, and persistence. Research shows we are motivated by short-term rewards and find it difficult to sustain unrewarded effort for long periods if the task isn’t intrinsically satisfying. While following your passion may give you a pleasant sense of accomplishment eventually, you have to put up with the initial uncertainty and feelings of being overwhelmed or not up to the task. The best way to tackle this is to break up larger tasks up into short-term goals, which you track and check off to give you a sense of accomplishment. At the early stages, goals will probably consist of finding information and making contacts. So, instead of beating yourself up for not finishing your first chapter, you can happily check the box for finding a well-written chapter by another author that can guide you in structuring yours.  That way, when you do write your own chapter, you will do so more efficiently and effectively. And a weekly check-in on your progress can help you adjust your goals and estimates to be more realistic, and reinforce your sense of progress and accomplishment.